In the Trenches

With Matt Troha

             Alright, I'll be the first one to admit that the majority of my tourney picks crashed and burned faster than "That 80's Show," but there is no way that they were any worse than any Cuba Gooding Jr. movie since 2000.

            New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner has been giving pitcher David Wells the "silent treatment," ever since Wells released his autobiography, which made revelations of un-Yankee like behavior such as pitching his perfect game with a wicked hangover.

            There was another shocking announcement out of Yankee camp when an anonymous note was found stating that MVP shortstop Derek Jeter "has cooties." Jeter cleared up speculation when he talked to reporters by the jungle gym in right field after recess and said he had no such ailment and would be ready for Opening Day.

            Pete Rose declined an invitation from Cincinnati mayor Charlie Luken to be his guest of honor on opening day this year, as the Reds open up their new Great American Ballpark. Rose, did on the other hand, say that he is taking 10 points on the under that Luken will invite Ohio native and first man on the moon Neil Armstrong, but stressed not to count out underdog Lebron James to get the invite.

            Fans at the Montreal Canadians-New York Islanders game in Montreal last Thursday loudly booed the playing of the United States National Anthem. Maybe it’s me, but I was more surprised to hear that Canada still had an NHL team.

            Earlier this week NFL owners voted against a proposal that would change the NFL's overtime format to mimic college and high school rules, allowing both teams a possession in overtime. The NHL has had similar talks of replacing their sudden death OT with a shootout. It is very likely that by the start of the next decade both sports will have changed their overtime rules, and thus eliminated the only two remaining sudden death sports.

            The real tragedy in all of this is that future generations of sports fans will not link the dynamically delicious pun that goes along with the title of the 1995 hockey/action thriller Sudden Death, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

            Future NFL Hall of Famer Emmitt Smith and his 17,162 rushing yards signed with the Arizona Cardinals this week after 13 seasons with the Dallas Cowboys. Smith became the NFL's all-time leading rusher last season, eclipsing Walter Payton's old record of 16,726 yards. Playing with the lowly Cardinals, experts predict that Smith will lose his 437th yard of the season in week 14 next season, thus returning the record to Payton.

            Major League Baseball cancelled its Opening Day matchup in Japan because of the war in Iraq. Apparently, the decision to cancel came from the Seattle Mariners and Oakland Athletics owners after they vetoed a flight plan set up by the United States government. U.S. Military brass had called for both teams to travel in Navy B52's, bombing some lightly guarded targets on the outer banks of Basra, before refueling in the Persian Sea on the USS Kitty Hawk, and then reaching their final destination.

            A sign reading U$ Lackey was placed on a statue of Wayne Gretzky in Edmonton Wednesday after Gretzky publicly backed President Bush, and expressed disappointment that Canada decided against military action. Maybe it’s me, but I was more surprised to hear that Canada had a military to take action with.

            A Sacramento Kings fan scribbled "Shaq is an A**Hole" on O'Neal's 20,000 point ball Thursday night. This marks one of ultimate injustices in the history of… actually I have to agree with the guy.

            The formerly lovable Kirby Puckett started trial for sexual assault this week. I recently read in Sports Illustrated that the Kirby Bear was named after Puckett. I had a Kirby Bear growing up. Thanks a lot mom and dad, I start therapy Wednesday.

            New York Mets bench coach Don Baylor will have to undergo chemotherapy for his recently discovered bone marrow cancer. Doctors expect him to make a full recovery and not miss any games, although they said the mental damage from managing the Cubs for three seasons was irreversible.

            Head Georgia University basketball coach Jim Harrick Sr. resigned Thursday under reports that his program had made several NCAA violations, including payments to players and accusations that players were given grades. Harrick's son resigned last month after claims that he had paid a players phone bill. Harrick Jr. said that in the future he will offer players phone cards like several Villanova player’s used this year before being suspended, rather than run the risk of being linked to a payment again. 

            Experts say that Harrick Sr. is a front-runner for next year’s Best Actor Academy Award for his denial interview with Dick Vitale, with Cuba Gooding Jr.'s performance in Boat Trip as his closest competition.

            Harrick Sr. had been suspended with pay since  Mar. 10 and stepped down when it was reported that the university found evidence that at least one player had received an A in his class, despite never attending.    

           What Georgia did was wrong and I'm glad they got caught.  I don't mean to sounds cynical, but I bet that there are plenty of other D1 athletes out there getting A's in classes they don't attend. Upon hearing that statement, Pete Rose called me and gave me 3 to 1 odds..