Monmouth College - Department of Theater Arts

News Release

MONMOUTH, Ill. — Cannibals are terrorizing the Monmouth College campus, attacking students and littering fluorescent business cards in amounts that are hazardous to the environment. Students have been warned that they should maintain a safe distance from these savage creatures and report any sightings to the Wells Theatre Oct. 8-10 at 7:30 pm or Oct. 11 at 2 p.m.

This recent surge in both eco- and edible-terrorism raises many questions: Why has this sudden outbreak of cannibalism occurred? Just who are these people-eating litterbugs? What do they want from us (other than our flesh)? And, most importantly, what can we do to stop them? To find the answers to these questions and better understand how such a pandemic could occur at such a serene place as Monmouth College, Jamie Kistler has undertaken the dangerous task of … interviewing a cannibal.

Who are you? What do you want? Why are you doing this?

I am Alex Nall, and I am a cannibal. Eating people is what we do. I’m joking. Actually, I am researching for a role in the upcoming production of “Fat Men in Skirts.”

Upcoming production? You mean this is all to promote the Crimson Masque fall production?

Well, I can’t give away too much about it, but let’s just say that it … well … deals with my character eating people.

Even if this is true, don’t you think that’s committing murder?

Ah! There’s the problem right there. This is not committing murder, this is … committing theatre. To do good theatre, one must research the role he is playing. Ya know, like Daniel Day Lewis. Guy’s got two Oscars.

Yes, but nonetheless, there are chewed-up corpses all over campus and you’re saying this is justified in the name of art?

Look, I have no qualms with anyone, really. I’m just a starving actor. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

But what about the families of your victims? Have you no remorse?

Look, I know how this must look. I’m just some kid playing a cannibal in a theatre production at Monmouth College. If I were Daniel Day Lewis, everything would be hunky-dory. But to me, this is not only great publicity for our show and the college, but it also brings back some lively memories, am I right?

I suppose you are referring to the 2002 Willhardt incident.*

I am. He’s an influence of mine.

Nevertheless, you are feasting on people at a time when our nation has promised to pull together. What do you have to say about that?

(Belching) No comment.

Well, can you tell us what any of this has to do with the theatre production you are in?

The theatre here is great. Everyone has been really understanding of how I’m undertaking this process. I’m digging deep into my character’s psyche, ya know? I’ll come into class sometimes, with an arm or a leg in my mouth, and Professor Wallace will just look at me, nod, and give me the Vulcan salutation: Live long and prosper … and eat people.

The production itself is going to have that realistic feel to it, to the extent that no other production here has before. Last semester, they did “Our American Cousin,” and they shot Lincoln. That’s great and all but, I mean, you want to go full throttle with that sort of stuff. Why didn’t the actor playing Lincoln fall from the balcony? Where was John Wilkes? I missed that. I’m not going to have that happen here. When people are watching me, they are watching the real deal.

All right, but meet me halfway … isn’t there some way that this barrage of people eating can come to an end?

There’s only one way it will stop. People must come see this show. If no one comes to this show then these people will have been consumed for nothing.

So there you have it, firsthand. I have uncovered, not only the source of the campus cannibal sightings, but also his agenda. Prospective and current students alike, take heed to this cannibal’s message. To honor the students that have been eaten, we must act as one and go to see Monmouth College’s production of “Fat Men In Skirts” on October 8-11 at 7:30 p.m. and 2:00 p.m. on Oct. 11. Then, and only then, will students hear the call of justice behind their backs rather than the smacking of hungry cannibal lips.

* Professor Mark Willhardt devoured his entire English 220 British Survey Class after no one was able to answer the question “Why was Chaucer a genius? Defend your answer with quotation, analysis and interpretive dance.” “They had it coming… those bastards,” Wilhardt was quoted as saying in The Courier that year.

Released by the Office of College Communications
Barry McNamara, Associate Director of College Communications
Phone: 309-457-2117
Fax: 309-457-2330