75th Annual Convention Resolutions

Presented by Professor Daniel Levine (Beta Pi) and approved by acclamation at the business session on Sunday, March 30, 2003. In addition to Professor Levine, the Resolutions Committee was made up of Michael Birch (Beta Theta), Meghan Carter (Delta Theta), Andy Felder (Zeta Beta), Ann Goencz (Delta Theta), Phu Hong (Gamma Iota), Brian Walgren (Gamma Omicron), and Jeff Wilson (Epsilon Omicron); and Professors Anne Groton (Delta Chi) and Thomas Sienkewicz (Gamma Omicron). 

O Muses of epic and lyric poetry, tacete! Step aside! We who are mere asini now call upon a new Muse, a goddess non putida, who shows us how to use the vocabulary of Roman insults in new ways. Teach us, Muse Gibbs, how to make the spurcum non spurcum, to make the filthy not filthy. Give us big-mouthed buccones a new song, using insults not really to insult but actually to praise. 

Now you law-breaking legerupae who listen to this song, please heed our voices, albeit sceleris plenissimae. Our words may be full of crime, but you fungi should listen well. Supprimite vestrum stultiloquium. Stop your blathering or feel the swift bite of our sharp tongues, now trained to insult. 

No way were our brothers and sisters from Oklahoma idle vappae: Brady Henderson, Jennifer Sellers, Julie and Lyal Grissom, Matt Cox, Debra Moorehead, Lauren Sanders, Melanie Rich, and their fellow cow-pokes mooved heaven and earth as they herded us along the campus trails. They also fed us like kings, not dormice. The local restaurants offered discounts that were not sordida and portions that were not minima. From the continental breakfast and the lunch buffet to the incredible banquet in the museum, the food was all disgustingly delectable. Vae vobis, if you missed the feasts! 

Not all foetida or pediculosa were our accommodations at the Sooner Hotel, with its not at all unathletic decor and its not at all sour suites. And if you didn’t think that the transportation arrangements — from shuttles to trolleys — were tremendous, then te Iuppiter dique omnes perdant! 

 From the lips of the trustees came words that were not nugosa, gerrosa, or fabulosa (most of the time).  Executive Secretary Wayne Tucker ran the whole  show 

with remarkable calm and equanimity and was only occasionally heard to exclaim, "Bliteus belua es!" or "Quis est haec simia?"!

National officers Jason, Charlie, Lindsey, and Doug presided over the business meetings with similar poise, and only rarely had to resort to calling the delegates verberabilissimi or sterculina publica! 

Yesterday morning we listened as three students presented their papers on Zeus and Moira in the Iliad, the historical development of Theseus, and the significance of the Bacchanalia for women. In other words, for a full hour, we sat and listened to papers about the very topics we study every single day. Thus, one might have expected us to react to each paper and its presenter by saying "tace atque abi!" Immo vero… . 

Not once was heard this phrase, nor the word "stulte!" And thank the gods that no one in the first few rows had any cause to say "oraputide" or "ructabunde. " 

Yesterday afternoon Dr. Laura Gibbs was not a propudium as she instructed us on how to insult each other.  The History of Science Collection was lutea, but that is to be expected from treasures so old and distinguished.  The Fred Jones Museum of Art was not impurum, and we appreciate the opportunity to see such great artwork.  The Graduate School information presentation was given by no fatuus, for we received great information to help us with the future. 

Amid apatosauri and saurophaganaces we did not hear cries of scelerum caput and mastigia. Rather we were amused and educated in the Hall of the Clash of the Titans by Professor Rozmeri Basic’s slide show on Etruscan Art and Culture, delivered with gusto, bravado, and no protests of vappa ac nebulo.  Iuppiter vos perdat. Apage a nobis. But no, don’t go away from us yet. We are not quite finished. 

Wherefore, let it be resolved that we offer our heartfelt thanks to all the phenomenally skillful organizers, astoundingly talented participants, and stupendously generous portions (oops!) — I mean PATRONS — of this 75th annual convention of Eta Sigma Phi at the University of Oklahoma. We hope to return again Sooner rather than later. Now let us go forth in malam crucem!